The birth, even though I came out easy, was very bloody. BLOOD is a part of life, it took me years to be ok with it, was never that fucked up, about my own, but someone else's blood freaked me out, all through my childhood, became an issue, that I had to pay attention to, because it could, and has, caused me to pass out a couple of times, once when family tagged along, with grandmother, to local hospital, to have blood taken out of her body, I stayed outside the room because just the idea fucked with my brain, the idea that their bodies were leaking life fluid. I made the mistake at this point to ask my sister who was looking from doorframe position. I asked: how much they taking? She Said: not that much. I asked: how much? my sister used her fingers to demonstrate how much, and the second I observed her fingers, I started to lose consciousness, next thing I know my body is going up and down, it was the doctor running to another room with me in his arms, couldn't see anything, but a white wall, but I could feel what was going on with my body, even had the thought-I am being carried. So now back to my own blood, never seemed to bother me much, when it was flowing out my own body, I always seem to think -IT will stop! and it always did. If we shoot forward to present day Richard, I have seen humans bleed out and meet their maker in front of me and it is never pleasant and its usually stays in the forefront of my mind for a while. Went through a two-year period once where about 5 times a day I saw in my mind different ways of me dying, always horrific, always brutal, always short and sweet. Funny thing is I was in one of my Forget about BUDDHA periods, so all it did was cause CHAOS and MONKY mind, with no relief in sight. Have shit tons of memories before 5 but the actual world and understanding of it, kicked in like a train at full speed heading right into a gas truck at 5. The way it happened affected the rest of my life and formed my position on Religion, that at 62 has not changed one little bit. We started going to Church, my mom would have to bring Life Savers, to keep me occupied and keep my mouth shut, this old white man in funny cloths was up on a podium spouting stupid shit about people, about other colors of human beings that didn't seem to be holding up their end of the bargain, they were troublemakers, well I am sorry but that was nothing but pure BULLSHIT! and I knew it at 5. About seven years later I found my first God and his name was GEORGE CARLIN, I did NOT prey to him, I did NOT bow to him, he had no dogma, he had no lies to tell, he had no dishonesty in his soul, he didn't believe in slavery of any kind, he respected woman, and he was a catholic until he reached age of reason.

AS best as I, can half remember, a smattering of information, over the years, and my own intuition, can do, is THIS! I was told by my family that I almost, made it to my mother's arms, before the DOCTOR got to us. I was the third of the fucked-up brood called the _____and I didn't choose to make my arrival, it was chosen for me. I know this is harsh in a very fucked up way but at the same moment in time, the exact same time, nothing but truth> HELLO BUDDHA! how are you today on this lovely morning in the year 1959, same year the communists took over Tibet and the DALI LAMA had to flee his own HOME, same year LUNA 1 shot into space, Fidel Castro becomes Head Honcho of CUBA, and the First Grammy awards are held, you could say the Beginning of the end for MUSIC, as soon as we put a label on it, we were SCREWED! Ok, so there I am with my head halfway out my mother's Vagina, with my Buddha face observing the world around me, and I think, no way to know, but I think my mind was already in MONKEY mode, no concepts, no images, no knowledge, but I was already in a state of nothing but QUESTIONS, Why questions? only half my head out to observe the present moment, and my mind already needs answers. Why as a still unborn human, did I need to know anything? The Doctor finally arrived, and I was told I came out like a wet towel, just slipped right out, no impediments, WHOOSH! Look mom, a human, a fresh one to play with, and hug and kiss and SMOTHER, until my world springs a leak and pops out the top of my head, like applying to much pressure to a ketchup bottle, we have all been there. OK, so let's move on to the next memory, or all the stuff I already wrote at the beginning of this HALF AUTOBIOGRAPHY/HALF ACT OF CREATION book. I was in a car I think being taken somewhere fast, in my mother's arms, blue face, choking, and within minutes of going back to my maker and saying, JUST KIDDING! anyway, they arrived in the parking lot across the street from the doctor's office, this burger joint across the street, a little later in life, enjoyed many a feast, my favorite was, CHILI BURGER WITH FRIES AND A VANNILA MILKSHAKE, mmm, mmm, GOOD! so they rush me in and the doctor is waiting for me, he takes me in another room and sets me on the table, holds me down and proceeds to slit my throat, my blood shoots into the air, almost hitting the ceiling. I was dying quickly so he had no choice, he saved my life, but how come, I never thanked him for that?

I told this story on MY EROTICA blog, now I would like to tell the same story from the heart perspective. NOT necessarily an erotic story but one that is filled with PASSION, INTENT AND PURPOSE. Here goes= THE tapping was very soft on my back, tap,tap,tap and then nothing while I was trying to listen, listen to my show in the last 15 minutes of its existence, have to hear my actors speak the words, so I can complete the experience with them, with the ensemble, so this tapping at my back, most times would piss me off because you would be drawing my focus away from my play, but these tapping fingers, I would BEG for her attention, I was lost in love, not a healthy way to approach love. I turned to see her little adorable Spanish face and skin and I am BUTTER! Full mouth, big eyes, dimples, I WAS SMITTEN! Every pore of hers spoke to me and mine, in a way that surpasses words, I Guess, my animal spoke to her animal and on that level, it was music. Looking in her eyes, I knew what she wanted, she had what are referred to as Bedroom Eyes and they GRABBED my soul in their grip, all I could do was follow, she led me down the hall and approached the unlocked shop door, opened it and shoved me in, grabbed my hand and led me through a number of obstacles, leading to a small wall that covered maybe 5 feet of space, stopped and then disappeared and then return again, tall chair in hand, sets it down and pushes me and my butt in it, then she stands between my shivering legs and kisses me like a woman who knows what she wants, she has not touched my body, yet I am HARD, this woman could take my life and I might give her the gun, she speaks to me on a level, only seen by this human twice, so you could imagine the intensity of my need in this moment, she could ask anything............WAKE UP! WAKE UP! .......calm yourself, breath, close the door, sit, breath..........focus, what is life? life is everything, but life is also ambiguous, light/dark, black/white, soft/hard, yin/yang, male/female, HUMAN< HUMAN< HUMAN< HUMAN.......trying.......I have never been a TAKER, never wanted to be a taker, ashamed I still have some of those thoughts roaming around in my BRAIN, sorry! I will do better, LOOKING FOR LOVE

At 5, I knew something was wrong, just by the sound of her voice, I could tell deception was the order of the day. My Father was not much better, but his favorite diversion was just standing there with a look of pure disinterest on his face, why did these two knuckleheads have children, they thought it was a normal part of life, married, children, die, maybe GOD. My mother thought she had a good relationship with God, the god of thunder, pain and vengeance. Little did she know, GOD didn't give a shit what she was doing, God saw no blood, no bruises, no pinch marks, no slaps across the face, no god picking up a phone just to talk to her, no nothing from the big man in the sky. NOTHING. I had to find my own way, started looking about 9 years old, not sure what my purpose was in that moment, but my brain was crying out to understand, this is NOT good, coming up BUBKISS, a big NOTHING, both hands/nothing in them. started with my GURU for most of my life, GEORGE CARLIN, then came, MARTIN LUTHER KING, after that came JOHN F. KENNEDY, then after that came the great MOHAMMAD ALI, after that came, BABA RAM DAS, das was the one that put the idea that you have the ability to look at your world from the OUTSIDE in or the INSIDE out, now I was in the land of Meditation and Enlightenment and GOD, having to look down at my own brain and observe it's insanity, the very definition of MIND or what the east calls MONKEY MIND, when observed it loses some of its charm and your heart starts to calm, calm, this is the very concept that led me to BUDDHISM in the first place, a need for some way to calm myself and some way to be clearer in my thoughts, CLARITY is something I still strive for on a regular bases. Sitting in front of the monks in a circle, I asked WHAT IS LOVE? after a moment one of the monks chimed in WHAT IS IT TO YOU? considering I seemed to have split the atom on the emotional scale, I said in tears I WANT TO GIVE SOMEONE MY LOVE! I WANT, I WANT, I WANT SOMEONE TO GIVE ME THEIRS. I thought I just said the most ignorant thing possible but that is the way I felt as far back as I could remember, seemed much saner, than the example I was Getting on a Daily basis, OBLIVIOUSNESS, PAIN, CONFUSION, LIES, BLOOD LIES and many more ways to lose your mind, under my parents' roof. AT a very early age I was already in the SHIT! TRYING to figure out the DIRECTION I was to go in after my freedom papers get signed, I made it to 17, first time I called myself an ARTIST, at 20 I made a deal with the ARTIST GODS= you let me be an artist and I will Sign a contract stating I will be poor for the rest of my artist life and that is ok, as long as I live with Purpose and Intent and I can look at the mirror and still see the artist, the free thinking liberal that I am, need that, more than my parents love, that was not coming anyway........

HEAVEN AND HELL, what do these words, brands, symbols, lightning bolts mean to you? FOR me the answer has always been the same, NOTHING, I never had the desire to put these particular concepts in my mind, I always, sense the age of 5, was revolted by them, so intensely in my GUT! that I am so far over, the other side of that fence, that I have to find OWN WAY to GOD, MY OWN WAY! After 62 years of life on this blue green ball, we call home, I FOUND IT! Not your god but the one I can bring into my heart, without ALL the BULLshit that follows you around all your life, like a pissed off girlfriend, who has you in the corner, like she wants to take you down, with her words, so she just puts that shit at level REDUNDENT, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, until my eyes pop out and my brain explodes, funny thing is , SHE keeps coming after the Bugfuck brain explosion, my brain is now melting and all I can hear is Repeat, repeat, repeat and finally the ZOMBIE brain kicks in and I pick up the game controller and drive toward OBLIVIAN as fast as possible. NOT sure what the end goal of this little word game was but now I see a clear path to the possible POINT. WOMAN! one of the biggest failures in my life, every time I walked down that ISLE, I thought, for the right reasons, I WAS DEAD ON ARRIVAL! WHY! THE BUDDHA in me, says I have always had a way to set myself free, from my own HEAVEN and HELL, you know, the one, between my ears, SO, why did it take me 62 years, OH shit, segway, to come to the point where I get to tell the world, in the case of money, FUCK OFF! EAT SHIT! AND DIE! always wanted to, sense 12 been in love with the words of GEORGE CARLIN, I like to think of myself as one of the RIENCARNATIONS of a PHILOSOPHICAL GEORGE CARLIN, if you know the guy you kind of know how these words stuck in my brain at an early age. first album I ever purchased was The Seven Dirtiest Words You Can't Say on Television, and my dead brain started to get a hard on, woke up to greet the day so I started, HENRY MILLER, ANAIS NIN, D.H. LAWRENCE, VLADMIR NABOKOV, MARQUIS de SADE, CHARLES BUKOWSKI, ANN RICE..................ROALD DAHL..............JOHN RECHY..........oh, forgot about that last one...... ..........walk away, slowly.....

If I looked in BUDDHA eyes would I see reality, his pools? his depth, his one with God AMBIGUITY Shakey time, but DIVE You are a God, always for me, life? you were my answer you held Humanity in your grasp your people in your soul THE GREATEST of ALL TIME your color as a flag your TRUTH in your eyes I MISS you ALI, ALI, ALI, ALI, ALI................... You had to leave this earthly realm with a bullet you met your maker you were a good man, good human you were glad to go, the words OH GOD were your last Mahatma GANDHI I hope the infinite is a good fit for you the world remembers some bad but I knew your truth in my heart sleep well my friend woman, woman, woman, why. why. you have such a pull on me Charles would have said BY THE BALLS by the shorthairs by my brain by my manhood, CREATION I used to think him right now I know better woman wants connection so, do I connection with life itself find me

In the time of your life, live—so that in that good time there shall be no ugliness or death for yourself or for any life your life touches. Seek goodness everywhere, and when it is found, bring it out of its hiding-place and let it be free and unashamed. Place in matter and in flesh the least of the values, for these are the things that hold death and must pass away. Discover in all things that which shines and is beyond corruption. Encourage virtue in whatever heart it may have been driven into secrecy and sorrow by the shame and terror of the world. Ignore the obvious, for it is unworthy of the clear eye and the kindly heart. Be the inferior of no man, nor of any man be the superior. Remember that every man is a variation of yourself. No man’s guilt is not yours, nor is any man’s innocence a thing apart. Despise evil and ungodliness, but not men of ungodliness or evil. These, understand. Have no shame in being kindly and gentle, but if the time comes in the time of your life to kill, kill and have no regret. In the time of your life, live—so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite delight and mystery of it. The great! THORNTON WILDER preface to TIME OF TOUR LIFE TWO great actors met in the Time of their lives, and both figured out they both kept copies of this preface, one folded up and kept in his pocket, the other in his wallet. MARLON BRANDO/ JOHNNY DEPP Format each of your headings below to Heading 2 to keep your post neat and SEO-friendly. It might help to break up your introduction into 2 or 3 main points, so it’s easy for your readers to follow. Each paragraph or two should focus on one point. Check Your Post Settings Explore the sidebar on the left. You can add media to add color to your post. You can also change the cover image, optimize the SEO Settings, add categories or tags, and much more. Spend some time discovering each tab and learn how you can enhance your future posts. Add a Closing Message ART, artists, directors, philosophers, thinkers, Questioners, Millionaires, poor on the street, only desire is to reach out and share my ACT OF CREATION, if you like my words then come listen to my PODCAST, DIAMOND EYE PODCAST by r garvin A BUDDHIST PERSPECTIVE.

Have no idea how often this happens to other humans, does anyone have a constant stream of woman coming on to them, have one right now, who just wants me to come over and give her oral sex, not that I don't like that, give me that and that might be all I need and still feel like I swam with the GODS. Talked to many men over the years, when I bring this up, you would be surprised how many think that is DIRTY! WHY? cause it's not the same as sucking your DICK? Humans should be touched you dead brain, full stop. SO, I met a woman online and when I looked at her photo, all I could see was how much of the world I have not participated in, how small my world is, SHE glows in her womanhood, she is Spanish, her skin looks like God made her, I could look at her till the END and want to wrap myself in her EVERYTHING, so, why the long face? I can't see her, I can't Hear her, I can't Touch her, SHE lives in VALENCIA SPAIN. If you know my metaphors, I AM IN A BOX, just looking at myself and scratching to find my way out. SIDE THOUGHT- Why are all these women who look like they were touched by the hand of GOD, in every shot they look perfect, and are still showing me parts of their body. I have had many sexual experiences but to me that is not sexy to me, would rather see what she looks like when she gets up in the morning, that makes me want to go up behind her and pull her to me and show her how excited I am, I have Alway's had a good imagination. One of my favorite movies has two women making love and they never touch, but by the end of the scene, I couldn't snap out of it, because my jaw was on the floor. I WANT THAT and this woman is taking me there without even trying. I am a poor starving artist and a poor starving BUDDHIST, MY want is huge, but my grasp is small, If I had the money right now, I would get on a plain to meet this magnificent CREATURE......... Don't even have enough to keep talking to her, it is a DATING site, so...........she has a too much pain in her life because of some stupid human, she will not pick up a phone because she has closed off to her nature as a human being to reach out......................now what?.....

I was five years old and on the way to church with my mom and sisters, my Father was missing. Sometimes he wouldn't come, He said NO! This memory is fixed in my Brain. I wanted to say to my mother, FUCK YOU! That was my PEA brain as an impulse, didn't realize in the moment, that my brain was not trained to extrapolate, it requires a focused brain, at least that is what my brain is telling me. Mother was for the artist a NUCLEAR Bug fuck BOMB, my young soul, my ignorant soul, my animalistic soul, it was not my truth, it just wasn't and fuck off if you don't like it! You can ask both my older sisters if you want to, in our thirties my sisters admitted they thought I wasn't going to make it, they treated me like SHIT! they were amazed, I GOT OUT ALIVE! What does all this mean? my world did not make sense to a five-year-old boy, nothing but unfocused grey matter in this cavern, my Cognitive Dissonance kicks in like a freight train rushing toward a Gas truck. My brain is going screwy, in my world that means BUGFUCK! GUILT fucking my brain, fuck you brain, FUCK YOU! The church was boring as watching a COMMunity THRETAR! GUILT is fucking my brain, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt and more guilt> I didn't realize we were back outside till my oldest sister yells, SHOTGUN! she got the front seat next to our mother, we all wanted it but at the same time I would sometimes feel like peeing my pants around this VERY dominate, VERY controlling and very mean-spirited HUMAN. Mother was a very confusing way to grow up. The wind feels nice in my hand as I hold it out the window, MY WORLD WAS CRAZY, batshit crazy, Filters on top of Filters and more on top of that, every Mask was on as well, MY BRAIN is on fire, smoke is coming out my NOSE and Ears and Throat, my mind jumps to 2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY, a bone in one hand and my dick in the other, THIS IS MY BRAIN ON CRACK! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! MY BRAIN jumps the track, track, ........track....................track.....track..................track.....full stop.......................cadon't. see. Can't???????????//???/??????????////////////////////////////////////////////...............................eyes open...............open..................hello?

I live in a DEAD zone for my art and its ability to flourish, in any kind of enlightening way, even though I approach every day like I need to learn something new about the conditions of man and his plight, as a being that has a light within him, and just wants to create heat and fire in his purpose and intent, and, free will, that will be working that day. Free will seems like a joke the man upstairs played on the world, free will sounds like some kind of freedom, a chance to find a crack in your box to see out and while your face is grasping for light and air, you are not moving fast enough, so I go back to an image I have had in my life, all of my life, The great Sam Bekett in his world shaking Avant guard masterpiece, WAITING FOR GODOT, when he wrote, THE LIVE BABY is pulled from the mother womb with forceps and then delivered to his GRAVE. Today I watched a video of ANN BOGART, she accurately explains that throughout time the greatest and loudest art was created in a time of great upheaval, that is the spark, for a real artist because that spark is for him, is a call to action, a call to service, a call to his soul, GET YOUR FUCKING ASS UP AND CREATE! the world needs you, humanity is falling down on our heads and YOU FUCKING JUST SIT! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! and FUCK YOU! again! I look at her little face and little nose and little ears and little mouth and GIANT eyes, I see all of creation, all history, all war, all famine, all the blood spilling into the cracks on the road, every little human that had to start by being raped by a monkey mind, punched in the head, slapped like the lights went out, made to feel like a nothing, but then I remember her little face, little ears, little mouth and big EYES. HER eyes are knowledge, awareness, acceptance and true NORTH, so I think she is going to make it!