At 5, I knew something was wrong, just by the sound of her voice, I could tell deception was the order of the day. My Father was not much better, but his favorite diversion was just standing there with a look of pure disinterest on his face, why did these two knuckleheads have children, they thought it was a normal part of life, married, children, die, maybe GOD.
My mother thought she had a good relationship with God, the god of thunder, pain and vengeance. Little did she know, GOD didn't give a shit what she was doing, God saw no blood, no bruises, no pinch marks, no slaps across the face, no god picking up a phone just to talk to her, no nothing from the big man in the sky. NOTHING. I had to find my own way, started looking about 9 years old, not sure what my purpose was in that moment, but my brain was crying out to understand, this is NOT good, coming up BUBKISS, a big NOTHING,
both hands/nothing in them. started with my GURU for most of my life, GEORGE CARLIN,
then came, MARTIN LUTHER KING, after that came JOHN F. KENNEDY, then after that came the great MOHAMMAD ALI, after that came, BABA RAM DAS, das was the one that
put the idea that you have the ability to look at your world from the OUTSIDE in or the INSIDE out, now I was in the land of Meditation and Enlightenment and GOD, having to look down at my own brain and observe it's insanity, the very definition of MIND or what the east calls MONKEY MIND, when observed it loses some of its charm and your heart starts to calm, calm, this is the very concept that led me to BUDDHISM in the first place, a need for some way to calm myself and some way to be clearer in my thoughts, CLARITY is something I still strive for on a regular bases. Sitting in front of the monks in a circle, I asked WHAT IS LOVE? after a moment one of the monks chimed in WHAT IS IT TO YOU? considering I seemed to have split the atom on the emotional scale, I said in tears I WANT TO GIVE SOMEONE MY LOVE! I WANT, I WANT, I WANT SOMEONE TO GIVE ME THEIRS. I thought I just said the most ignorant thing possible but that is the way I felt as far back as I could remember, seemed much saner, than the example I was Getting on a Daily basis, OBLIVIOUSNESS, PAIN, CONFUSION, LIES, BLOOD LIES and many more ways to lose your mind, under my parents' roof. AT a very early age I was already in the SHIT! TRYING to figure out the DIRECTION I was to go in after my freedom papers get signed, I made it to 17, first time I called myself an ARTIST, at 20 I made a deal with the ARTIST GODS= you let me be an artist and I will Sign a contract stating I will be poor for the rest of my artist life and that is ok, as long as I live with Purpose and Intent and I can look at the mirror and still see the artist, the free thinking liberal that I am, need that, more than my parents love, that was not coming anyway........